Building a Bridge Over Brokenness

I very rarely feature other people on this blog. Not because I'm selfish but because I am very careful of what you get when you come here. I have to guard what God has given me because I value His trust that much. But when I read this letter I knew I had to let you read this. This comes from a young woman who leads a Wives in Waiting Sister Circle on the campus of Fort Valley State University. This letter touched my heart and I know it will touch yours. My prayer is that it helps you build the bridges you need to walk across, enjoy!

Building A Bridge Over Brokenness

Shukriyah Christian

January 7, 2014

“My sacrifice, O God, is a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart you, God, will not despise.” Psalm 51:17 NIV

Broken: 1. having been fractured or damaged and no longer in one piece or in working order. Synonyms: smashed, shattered, fragmented, splintered, crushed, or snapped.

Father, in the Name of Jesus, I come to you on behalf of the soul which is reading this letter. God, I am asking that you search them and pull out every piece that is broken inside of them. Allow them to seek your face in prayer, so that you can show them the darkest parts of themselves, so that they may expose it to the light, which is You. Have your way in their lives! Help them realize that there is nothing that is too horrible that they have done that you are not ready and willing to forgive! Pull on their hearts until they are no longer able to run from you! Help them to turn away from anything or any person or situation which is causing them to continually break, but to turn to the ultimate Healer! Show them their worth and identity in you and love them like only You can. In Jesus’ Mighty Name, Amen.

This is not just something I’ve decided to write just to gain attention, pity, or recognition. I’m not interested in gaining “friends” on Facebook or followers on Twitter or Instagram. These are words which have been taken from my place of brokenness and expressed with sincerity from my heart to yours. This is serious! Writing this has me in tears because I had to dig deep in order to produce this. This is beyond the surface, this is from the depths of my heart! I had to face the truth about myself, and expose every single part of me to God in order for me to receive the revelation He has given me concerning my own heart in the state of brokenness it was in. My prayer is that once you are done reading this, you too are compelled to bring your sacrifice of brokenness to God and allow Him to mend you.

I’ve gone years without truly comprehending the love that God has for me. It wasn’t until 2011 that I truly began to realize the worth that was inside of me, the love God has for me, and the love that I should have always had for myself. I had been walking around feeling empty and loveless for so many years of my life that I began to search for the love I so desperately needed in other things and people. I was on the prowl for the love I felt I didn’t receive from my parents, could not find in a man, but had in Jesus all along. I poured myself out too much to those who even expressed an interest in me, just to feel loved. When I say that I poured myself out, I don’t mean sexually, although I had given myself sexually to men who did not really love me. What I mean is I gave more than I was receiving in relationships, whether platonic or romantic, all because I had no clue what REAL love is. I couldn’t be fulfilled by what they gave. My brokenness made me hard to please and left me misunderstood, heartbroken, and empty. To be totally honest, I have only been wholeheartedly active in ministry for 3 years now. I had been coming to church, leaving the way I came, and repeating the religious cycle every single Sunday. I wanted to give myself to God, but I didn’t understand why He would want to deal with someone as broken and as disobedient as me. God would comfort me, dry my tears and patch me up, and I would go right back into the situation from which He had just rescued me, with the same mindset. I would cry, sing, dance, bring my issues to the altar, and my heart was still in the same condition, broken. I would leave church on an emotional high, but I didn’t have enough Word in me to fight temptation. I didn’t have enough Faith in me to believe that God had better for me and wanted me to have it. For so long, I viewed God as someone to be feared because He would punish you for every single thing you did, and I was running out of second chances. There was a point in time where I felt as though there was no need to pray because I was just going to do the exact same thing all over again. What was the point in repenting? I had no clue how gracious and merciful God is! I had no clue who God is, period! I just knew the “textbook” version of God and His love. I knew all of the cliché “stuff” people said about God, but I didn’t have an authentic, intimate relationship with God.

I was so ashamed of how broken I was that I didn’t want to admit it. I pretended to have it all together. I put on my smile and my “Miss Perfect” role was up to par at all times. There was no way I could admit my brokenness to people, especially to those who considered me their role model! I allowed people’s perspective of me to mold me into a Superhero; perfect, indestructible, infallible, and that’s who I had become. I became who I was for the sake of people. Some would call it “faking”, but how can you fake who you are, if you don’t know who you are? I couldn’t even pretend to be myself, because I didn’t know who I was. I had a false sense of identity. I didn’t know who God said I was, so I became who the people needed me to be. I became great at pretending. I pretended things didn’t hurt me, when they did. I pretended I didn’t care when someone broke my heart, but I did. I pretended that everything was alright, knowing good and well I was dying inside. I was burying my pain deeper by ignoring it instead of releasing it.

  When you’re broken, you are desperate; when you are desperate, you will look to anything that seems fulfilling to fill you. It is not until you realize that your desperation should not be for anything other than God, that you will never thirst again. Ask God to fill your cup, and it will overflow! Man can only fill it according to what they have, and I have learned the hard way: you can’t give what you don’t have. Men, women, sex, drugs, alcohol, food, and money are not built to fill you the way God can! I held on to people and things because when they left, what I didn’t have inside of myself left with them. I realize now that the reason I held on to some people for so long, is because I was lacking what they represented. My boyfriend at the time represented security, love and stability. That’s why I latched on to him so tightly, and it took me two whole years to let him go. I was broken!  I was the picture of “perfection” but didn’t realize I had purpose. I was so busy trying to be perfect instead of seeking God for my identity and purpose, which left me full on empty. I was full of everything except the right things. I sought out my purpose according to my relationships. I went over and beyond the call of duty to be the best girlfriend, because that was one thing I knew I was. I gave a man who was not my Husband, the benefits package of a Husband before he was even my boyfriend; broken. In my mind, I was only as valuable as people made me feel. I gave my body to the man I loved, because I thought he would love me if I did. Sex and anything else I could do to keep him happy would make him love me, right? Wrong! I didn’t know my value. I was selling myself for much less than I was worth. I was not selling my body for money as if I were a prostitute, but I was giving away that which is priceless, all because I didn’t know how to locate the price tag. When you know the value of something, you don’t advertise it for a price that’s anything less than what it’s worth. Since you’re priceless, you CAN’T be bought! It’s like Maya Angelou said, “I did then what I knew to do. Now that I know better, I do better.”

 I made sure I was the best friend that I could possibly be to those who considered me a friend, and even held on to friendships past their expiration date, just because I didn’t feel as though I had anyone else; broken! I didn’t know my worth. I allowed my love interest at the time to make an option out of me, not knowing that I deserved more. I didn’t know what “more” would feel like, but I knew what I was getting with him. I have accepted less than I have deserved, and placed unreasonable amounts of pressure on others to love me past a pain that was deeply rooted in me; a pain for which they were not responsible. I wanted and expected the love of God from a man, who was created from the same dust as I.  I was in a cycle of brokenness. Both my Mother and Father were broken, and although they expressed their brokenness in different ways, it was brokenness all the same. My Mother expressed her brokenness through her addictions, my Father through his temper, myself through my insecurities. God saw fit to end the curse of brokenness with me! Praise God!

When I came to God and gave Him my “yes”, my broken pieces were all I had. They   turned out to be all that I needed to build a bridge over my brokenness. I walked over those same jagged, shattered pieces of the past into the newness of my Destiny. I didn’t have the biggest house, best car, most expensive weave, or the best body. All I had was my broken heart, unanswered questions, fists full of tears, and a past in which I was trying to find purpose. That’s why Psalm 51:17 is so precious to me! I couldn’t promise Him that I’d be perfect, or make the biggest contribution at offering time. All I could say was, “Lord, here I am. Use me!” I submitted myself to Him, and piece by piece, He has molded me back together again. My Brother or My Sister, you are more than your brokenness. You are not just a broken being who is unable to be mended! There is power and purpose for every piece of you that is shattered. Don’t listen to those who try to make it seem impossible for you to take your place on the Path to Purpose! When a part of your body is broken, it is still a part of the body! A broken arm is still an arm, even if it can’t function properly due to its broken state! The job of other believers is to take you to the Hospital (Church) so that you can be patched up and begin to heal! You are still a part of the Body of Christ! The Prodigal Son was still the Son of a King, even when he was eating with the pigs! A diamond is still a diamond, even if it is out in a pile of trash! God still sees the value and worth inside of you, because He knows who He has created you to become! You don’t have to settle for less than what you deserve! You don’t have to become content with being someone’s option, when it was God’s CHOICE to send Jesus to Calvary for you! You are priceless! Choose to see yourself as God sees you! Dig deep inside of yourself past all of the hurt and pain that is clouding your judgment, and get to the root of your issues! In order to conquer, you must first confess and confront! This is not the end for you! When things are broken and can’t be fixed by us, we bring them back to the place we purchased them, but have a hard time giving ourselves back to the God who made us. It is God who has made us, and not we ourselves! He knows exactly how to fix the very part of you which is broken. He knows all about brokenness, because He sent His Son to be broken for us. I pray this finds you in a receiving spirit.

With All My Love,

Shukriyah