Baby Steps

The past few months have moved really fast and I don’t even know where to start. We’re still getting settled into the new place and all of the new things that come along with that. But we’ve been learning lessons everywhere we turn. For us, it seems like God wants to show us Himself in the things we may have overlooked in the past. He wants us to see Him in the baby steps.

               Since my last post, my health had become very discouraging. My body was no longer responding the way it was supposed to with the meds that I had been prescribed and my reproductive concerns were becoming more dire. I was left with only a few choices: increase the dosage for the medicine that didn’t seem like it was working anymore or wait to hear what a Reproductive Endocrinologist would say regarding my overall treatment. For those that don’t know, a Reproductive Endocrinologist is a specialized doctor that focuses on reproductive medicine addressing hormonal functioning as it pertains to reproduction as well as the issue of infertility.

So, as you can imagine, I was experiencing a large amount of anxiety to visit a doctor like this. My initial appointment with him was over 2 hours long. We went through my entire medical history. We covered EVERYTHING, things that I would have preferred to remain covered. But I was desperate. I couldn’t afford to let shame keep me from being made whole. So, I aired my dirty laundry in front of that doctor, my husband, and my mother. I held back tears the entire appointment as I shared the history of an abortion, 2 ectopic pregnancies, and my fading hopes of being able to give birth to a child that I could carry. My hopes of believing that God would make my body a safe place for His promise were laid out for everyone to see.

Let me pause here. This whole process has become one of vulnerability for me. One where I’ve had to allow people not only to see my tears, but to wipe them.  A time where the strong face didn’t hold up as often as it used to. This doctor’s visit was a testing ground for me in trusting the process God has me in. He has waited for me to take His hand in all of this and to take baby steps closer to Him. Now hear me when I say this: I have not been far from God in my relationship but I have hesitated to come closer to Him in this process. It has been too painful for me to be here before now.

As we went through my history. How I was diagnosed with the tumor. How I was being treated. Why we had not considered IVF before now. Everything was questioned. The baby step of being in that consultation room didn’t seem like such a great idea at that moment in time. He went through a checklist of things we needed to do and gave us marching orders. The first order was to allow him to look at my reproductive system before we left his office. I didn’t even have time to run because he rushed us into the examination room.

That was 4 weeks ago. Today, we’ve completed all except one of the things on the checklist he gave us to do. The baby step we took to walk into his office has put us that much closer to hearing baby steps of our own. We are not out of the woods yet. The results of that examination revealed some other disheartening news regarding the condition of my reproductive system that further puts my faith on display. Even making the decision to pursue IVF was a huge step of faith and believing that our future child will have a safe place to “bake” for 9 months is even bigger.

But what can I say? It took baby steps to get here. God held my hand through that. Surely, He won’t abandon us here. Deuteronomy 31:6 Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the LORD your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you." But I can’t pretend that I haven’t asked God why things seem to be so difficult when it comes to fulfilling the promise He made us. There have been more times than I would like to admit over these last several months that I have found myself angry at why THIS has to be my portion.

I have devoted my life to the glory and honor of God and I don’t withhold anything from Him. I want God to be magnified in my life. So I had to realize that He would need to be glorified in THIS too. Every step of the way has to be for the advancement of the Kingdom. Someone has to learn of the goodness of the Lord through this unknown journey. The journey to motherhood, for me, has been so difficult so far but I realize that I’m not being punished. I’m being purified.

With All My Love,
Mrs. Truscott