The Faith to Wait

One of the biggest days of this entire process had come. Although we know we wouldn’t do a transfer right away, Retrieval Day was so exciting. We recorded a sweet little video to what we hoped would be our future child(ren). Retrieval Day is the day that the egg(s) that were produced from the stimulation phase are removed to go through the fertilization process to, hopefully, eventually be transferred back into the uterus for a successful pregnancy.

If you remember from my last blog, I had to take a few extra doses of the stimulation medications because my body wasn’t responding the best. I didn’t produce a large amount of eggs, even with the stimulation. We knew this going into the process but as I sat in the procedure room I felt so hopeful that the little eggs would do what they were supposed to do. So, as the anesthesia set in and I was wheeled away I rested on the promises of God. About an hour later, I was waking up to the smiling face of my husband, my mom, and my doctor. The procedure had gone well, and 7 eggs were retrieved. Seven opportunities to become pregnant. In my mind, we had OPTIONS!! We left the doctor’s office so encouraged.

Recovery from the retrieval procedure was a little harder than I expected, most likely because I didn’t consider the impact the lack of medication would have on my body. Because we were giving my body a rest, I didn’t have to take any meds for a while and that was a bit of a shock for my emotions. So, I was weepy and a little uncomfortable. Thank goodness for my patient husband who prayed for me, waited on me hand and foot, and encouraged me. This process was just as hard on him as it was on me.

But retrieval day and recovery weren’t the hardest part of this portion. It was what came after that. Once the eggs are retrieved, they are fertilized, and you must WAIT and see how many successfully make it through the process. Let’s pause here.

I know you’re probably thinking, “don’t you lead a ministry about waiting?” Yes, I do, which is why  believe that the Lord always reminds me that people are always waiting. Maybe not on the same things, but everything doesn’t always happen the way we want it to or when we want it to, so we’re called to wait. And, truthfully, we’ve spent years waiting to get pregnant, waiting for life to fill my womb, waiting for a good doctor’s report but that doesn’t make waiting any easier for us. It takes faith to wait, to not take matters into your own hands, or forfeit what you’re waiting for.

But this wait was different. We had to wait to hear exactly how each egg progressed and which ones didn’t make it. Every 2 days, the lab would call with news. And each day felt like a gut punch for me. Why? Because the first call informed us that what started as 7 eggs, was now 5. The second call informed us that what was 5 eggs, was now 3. Then 2. And eventually, only 1 out of the original 7 made it through the whole 5-day fertilization process.

I can’t lie and say I was overjoyed over the one, initially. I greatly mourned the loss of the other 6. It was huge lesson for me. I focused on what I thought could have and should have been instead of reaping the joy of what was. I was angry, disappointed, hurt, and confused. I thought we had options. I thought the 7 eggs were the overflow and abundance of God but 6 of them weren’t capable of withstanding the pressure of the process. To add insult to injury, I had to wait another 6 weeks to find out of the lone ranger would even making it through the preservation process. More waiting for what I thought would be disappointment, as it had been for so many years before.

So, what did I do? I went to the only place where I could find refuge. The feet of Jesus. I fought, I cried, I prayed, I was silent, I screamed, I did everything you could think of, and I did nothing!!

I will not say that I left with answers because that’s not the point. The point is that we come to Him. I needed my mind renewed because in that moment, I viewed the wait as a punishment. I saw the wait as cruel and unusual punishment because I had already decided how things were going to turn out. Having the faith to wait is being willing to learn what you’re supposed to learn, become who you’re supposed to become, see what you’re supposed to, and love God the way you’re supposed to love Him. The wait reveals your heart. For me, it was a wake up call that I was “doing” all of the things that looked like faith but there was doubt in my heart.

Psalm 27:14 Wait for the LORD; Be strong and let your heart take courage; Yes, wait for the LORD.

At the first sign of “trouble”, I wasn’t strong, and my heart wasn’t courageous. I was defeated. Now, hear me. I’m not condemning myself or persecuting myself, I’m embracing my humanity. This is an area of weakness for me. I have to dig deeper to trust God even when what I see is contrary to what I believe.

I needed the faith to wait.

With All My Love,
Mrs. Truscott