Why Not Me?

As I sat in the examination room I already knew what the doctor would say before he came in. I knew what the unbearable pains meant; I had been here before. The only difference this time was that I was not alone in the hospital. My husband and my mother were there with me. Their words were comforting but I could see in their eyes that they were afraid of what I already knew. As the doctor came into the room with his eyes set to the floor, he delivered the news I dreaded to hear even though I already knew what it would be. He told me that I would once again need to have emergency surgery to remove the baby that was stuck in my sole fallopian tube.

Less than 18 months before we encountered the exact same scenario. However, the 1^st time this happened I was left alone since my husband was en route to his new job in Israel and my mother was a 4-hour drive away. The pain was so terrible that it jerked me out of my sleep and I could not walk. It was depilating. I was unaware that I was bleeding to death from the inside of my body. The hospital staff was unaware until I passed out from the internal blood loss. Although I was in the worst pain I had ever experienced, that was nothing in comparison to breaking the news to my husband over the phone. But, here we were AGAIN. I couldn’t help but wonder “Why is God breaking my heart?” “Does he not want me to be a mother” “I thought my sins had been forgiven but God is punishing me” “Why me?”. After this surgery, I was told that we would not be able to conceive on our own. My body was no longer equipped to give my husband a child. My 50% chance of conceiving after the 1^st surgery was now 0%, according to my doctor. I was devastated, hurt, confused, angry, embarrassed, and broken. I came to the realization that all of the sins I had committed were now crashing down on me in punishment. I was no longer upset with God, I was upset with myself that I ever thought God would find me worthy enough to be a mother. I decided to place the feelings aside and move forward with In-Vitro fertilization because my husband deeply desired to have a child. I didn’t want to disappoint him any further, so I agreed.

That was 2 years ago, and on January 9 God touched a place I didn’t know I had. For the past 3 ½ years I had been suffering from a deep depression regarding my passion to be a mother. It was a dry place in my life that I pushed to the back of my mind so that I could be what everyone else needed to be. I never grieved over the losses because I felt I had no one to blame for myself. I am no longer telling myself I don’t care about having children; I acknowledge that this is a deep desire I have. So, my question is now “Why not me?”. I want God to use me to be a better stepmother, a better aunt, a better wife, a better sister, and a better Christian. I can testify about how faithful God has been even through my losses because I know He has something greater planned for me. God does what He wants, when He wants and because I trust Him I have peace about any decisions He makes. I didn’t realize I HAD to experience those losses in order to help others get through similar tragedies. My faith has been intensified because God broke me down to a place where I had to put my trust in Him. I had no other choice but I am thankful for Him finding me worthy enough to go through something I could have never imagined. My weakness was made perfect in His strength.

I thank God every day when I look at my surgery scars because it is a reminder of His grace in my life. Although we have yet to conceive a child, I know that God spared my life and He didn’t have to. I didn’t earn a right to live but there is work for me to do and I am determined to make Him proud. Besides, He made me a promise that I know He will keep ;)

With All My Love,
Mrs. Truscott