Maybe, baby?

The journey to fertility has taught me so much about my obedience to God. I have wanted to be “in control” over so many aspects of my life that sometimes I just get in God’s way. I don’t want to be disobedient so I just take over. That doesn’t make very much sense now but, in the past, it was definitely my M.O. I had to take matters into my own hands so I could know what the outcome would be before it ever happened. As you might have guessed, even when I thought I was in control….I never really was. You cannot control people and you cannot control situations, you can only control the way you respond to people and situations. Over the last year, that is what God has been helping me see. He has been teaching me that obeying Him is more important than anything I think I need to control.

But when you take things to the extreme, like I have the tendency to do, obedience can turn into bondage instead of the freedom that obedience truly brings. I went from having my hands in everything to sitting and doing nothing. I became crippled by my inability to make the right decisions regarding our journey to fertility that I refused to make any at all. I thought that obedience meant that I couldn’t ask questions, do research, or even see a doctor. While I know we all have our convictions and theology on healing and how God moves supernaturally, I was in bondage about what God wanted for our family. I had reasoned in my mind that the Lord would heal my body through His touch and going to see a doctor was blaspheming God. Again, I know that we all have our feelings about how God moves through medicine and the like but what I had done was box God in to HOW he would bless our family with children. I punished myself for even entertaining an idea that would involve modern medicine. I released control to God but I also removed the responsibility that I had on my journey.

While there was natural work to be done, I also needed to do some spiritual housekeeping. The years of private shame, guilt, anger, disappointment, and finger pointing weren’t just going to go away on their own. My heart was still broken and my spirit was grieved but I had handed over the reins to my little cart and buggy. I had condemned myself for what led to even being on this journey. My promiscuous past was coming back to haunt me. After all, why would a perfect God trust an imperfect person like me with a precious child? There was so much bitterness and resentment at work in my own heart. I had to DO something about it if I truly wanted to see God work supernaturally on this journey.

James 2:14-17 14 What does it profit, my brethren, if someone says he has faith but does not have works? Can faith save him? 15 If a brother or sister is naked and destitute of daily food, 16 and one of you says to them, “Depart in peace, be warmed and filled,” but you do not give them the things which are needed for the body, what does it profit? 17 Thus also faith by itself, if it does not have works, is dead.

My issue was that I didn’t want to get in God’s position but I also hadn’t gotten into mine. I thought I had faith if I did nothing. But, as the Lord began to work on my heart He showed me that I had a job to do…it just wasn’t His. Our last ectopic pregnancy was 5 years ago and this year was the first year I ever read my post-operative reports that detailed exactly what happened during the surgeries to remove them. I had been too afraid to read them but had convinced myself that it was “faith”. Faith doesn’t cripple you, only fear does that.  I had to come to terms with how this journey was going to have to go, if it was actually going to go anywhere. Those reports were heart-wrenching and scary, but they were also full of hope. The hope that if God could spare my life from what could have killed me, surely He would lead me in the right direction of what to do next. The Lord never meant for me to be complacent, in anything, He just wanted me to be obedient.

So, maybe it’s not the “how” that God is so concerned with when it comes to our journey to a baby. Could it be that it’s the “why” that He’s hung up on? Are you trying to take control because you don’t trust Him? Are you doing nothing because you’re afraid of what you might find out? Neither are pleasing to God, both are bondage. Doing things, or not doing them, to look like you faith doesn’t bring your closer to God. It keeps you separated from Him. This journey is full of questions but when you have a relationship with the Lord who has all of the answers, it makes all the difference in the world.

With All My Love,
Mrs. Truscott