Vying to Become Viable

The journey to fertility such an interesting and unique one. No one’s journey is the same. But what can easily happen is that you get so focused on one part of the journey that you miss the reality of the rest of it.

In the world of “infertility” there are certain areas that become the “Holy Grail” of all things baby. The end all, be all of these things is the ability conceive. You go through all of the tests, injections, medication, and doctor’s visits in order to get pregnant. Right? Isn’t that the point? Or is it?

If I can be honest, I still have not wrapped my head around the idea that the prayers of so many have physically manifested themselves in my womb. It’s so amazing to experience the love of God this way. But I also have to admit that the journey to fertility was not very multidimensional. The thought of caring life in my womb was so overwhelming that I had not spent as much time thinking about the journey to motherhood, or the stops along the way.

This hit home for me after I publicly shared the news that I was pregnant. Every possibility crossed my mind about what could happen that might lead to me getting pregnant but not being able to stay pregnant. Although I had been pregnant before, I had never made it past 9 weeks gestation. I didn’t know what was “normal” or routine in pregnancy because I had never experienced that. I spent the first 10-12 weeks watching out for all of the symptoms of something going wrong: I wasn’t showing yet, I had no morning sickness, food cravings, and I was full of energy. I didn’t realize until later that my lack of traditional pregnancy systems was the grace of God on my pregnancy.

The enemy had warped my vision so much that I couldn’t get my mind off what COULD happen that I started missing what was already happening. I was missing the beauty of new life that was forming in my womb because fear was clouding my judgment. Then, to add to my anxiety, the viability of the baby became the topic of conversation of everything I read and heard. There was so much emphasis put on if our child could survive outside of my womb if we didn’t make it to full term. I was a WRECK!!

There wasn’t the joy that I experienced once we found out. That joy was clouded in the what ifs of every woman’s pregnancy. I was no longer distracted by the lie that I couldn’t produce but I wasn’t prepared for maternal instincts to kick in to want to protect a child I had never met but knew was to tiny to protect themselves.

I, myself, was vying to become viable as a mother. I needed more than just the pregnancy books, journals, and articles. I needed the perfect love of our Father.

1 John 4:18 There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear. For fear has to do with punishment, and whoever fears has not been perfected in love.

I needed to rely on the same faith that was needed to believe our way to this pregnancy to actually get us to viability. I could not allow the fear of the past to keep me from seeing the blessing of the present. The Lord loved my family enough to trust us with our portion, whatever that was. I was so afraid that I couldn’t withstand the loss of another pregnancy that I started to doubt how the Lord had strategically led us to this place. God didn’t just call us to produce but also to multiply. I can’t multiply by solely getting pregnant. There had to be more.

Each time I share pieces of our journey with you, it builds my faith. It reminds me that this journey belongs to God and I grow based on the grace God has given us to walk through it.

Lamentations 3:22-23 The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; his mercies never come to an end; 23 they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.

I don’t have to get ahead of myself or dwell in the past. Trusting Him every step of the journey takes every ounce of strength I have. So, there is no room to live in what was. I have to be present for what is.

With All My Love,
Mrs. Truscott