Do You Believe?

Have you ever felt like other people wanted something for you more than you wanted it for yourself? That their faith for your promise was greater than anything you could muster up? Maybe what they saw happening was far outside of your reach?

That’s where I’ve found myself for the last 5 years that we’ve been on this journey to fertility. I would plaster a smile on my face when people would encourage me that it would happen “soon”, or when they would offer suggestions and advice of what our next steps should be. People would tell us that they were praying for us when I didn’t have the courage to do the same. It wasn’t that I didn’t appreciate their intentions, I just wasn’t there. I wasn’t at a place where I confidently believed that we would, or even should, have a child. I didn’t share it with my husband because I didn’t want to crush his dreams of what could be, so I kept quiet. I internally struggled with the idea that God still can, and does, work miracles but that He would not do that for me. How could I voice that I believed God for other people but not for myself?

Because I wasn’t comfortable sharing the specifics of what caused our battle with infertility, I knew that people wouldn’t understand that my womb wasn’t just “closed”….it was damaged. That’s how I viewed myself, as damaged goods. The physical scars that infertility caused were a constant reminder of what was, or wasn’t, going on inside my body. I didn’t realize how broken my heart was because of what my body could not do. I was numb to the idea of having children. Why? I had become satisfied with mentoring other women, being a great wife, and “birthing” a ministry. And even more, I had the beautiful blessing of helping to parent a daughter that was not mine by blood, but definitely mine by love. How dare I continue to plead with God for a child of my own when He had already given me so much? He had already made me a mother, in so many ways.

When people would tell us that they were believing God with us for me to get pregnant, I felt so guilty because I didn’t believe God for that. I had given up because it was too painful to continue to believe. It was because I was too afraid to trust God with one of the deepest longings of my heart. Fear was more powerful than my faith. I would have never told anyone that because I had to be the picture of strength in God. So, I would smile and indulge them by allowing people to pray for me, for God to heal my womb. Their prayers were good for them, even if they meant nothing to me, right? I had already reserved in my mind that I could not bear the agony of believing for something that I wasn’t sure God could trust me with. I had developed the attitude that God didn’t want me to have children of my own because He allowed my womb to be damaged. I wasn’t mad at God, at all. I was OK with His decision. I buried that desire and threw myself in every assignment that God had given me. I still engaged in superficial conversations about bearing children but I was content with “God’s decision”. I thought my relationship with God was in a great place.

Then, God told me to postpone a Conference I was planning. As hard as it was for me to do, I knew He had a reason, so I obeyed. As I sat to listen to the Lord about how to move forward with a new date for the Conference, He revealed some issues that I didn’t know were happening behind the scenes. But what He showed me about other people, paled in comparison to what He showed me about myself. I was being led by fear but trying to lead women to love. That would never work. So, even while the women of Wives in Waiting were experiencing salvation, transformation, and healing, I was limiting what God could do in my life and the lives of those women who were looking for true freedom.

1 John 4:18 says Such love has no fear, because perfect love expels all fear. If we are afraid, it is for fear of punishment, and this shows that we have not fully experienced his perfect love.

I had not rested in the perfect love of Christ because fear was the motivating factor in my decision to no longer pray for a child. It was the fear of being let down, the fear of making God look bad, and the fear of being broken even more than I already was. Fear had become my comfort. Who wouldn’t be afraid of not getting their prayer answered? So, I just decided not to pray about it anymore! But during this time of prayer, fasting, and truly seeking God, He reminded me of His promise.

Psalm 37:3-7 3 Trust (lean on, rely on, and be confident) in the Lord and do good; so shall you dwell in the land and feed surely on His faithfulness, and truly you shall be fed. 4 Delight yourself also in the Lord, and He will give you the desires and secret petitions of your heart. 5 Commit your way to the Lord [roll and repose each care of your load on Him]; trust (lean on, rely on, and be confident) also in Him and He will bring it to pass. 6 And He will make your uprightness and right standing with God go forth as the light, and your justice and right as [the shining sun of] the noonday. 7 Be still and rest in the Lord; wait for Him and patiently lean yourself upon Him; fret not yourself because of him who prospers in his way, because of the man who brings wicked devices to pass.

I had begun delighting myself in God and committing my ways to Him. My struggle was with trusting Him with the secret petitions of my heart. I couldn’t fully rest in a God that I didn’t trust to fulfill His promises to me. I trusted my past and my fears more than I trusted God. God had to get me in a position of TOTAL surrender for me to hear Him. His sweet whispers of who He was dried my tears and comforted my heart. So, here I am.

God postponed that conference almost a year ago and it’s taking me all this time to open our journey to others. Not because I’ve figured it out, but to let people know they are not alone in their struggles with fear, anxiety, and trust. But, if I have learned one thing is that God has never given up on us so we shouldn’t give up on Him.

My prayer is that the new content of this blog will be an encouragement to whoever reads it. I can’t promise that I will share everything during our journey to fertility, but I do know that I will share what God commands me to. I will be praying for you, even if you don’t believe those prayers will be answered. Because even if you think they aren’t helping you, they are. The prayers of others, I know, helped me get to this point.

With All My Love,
Mrs. Truscott